i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
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