My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
