I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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