Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
