I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
