Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
