Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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