I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
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