Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize