As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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