we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
And then my night got REAL pukey
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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