My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
