I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
