You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
