i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
