i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
