so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
