If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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