what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
