she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
sarcasm needs its own font
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
