my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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