Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
