No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
