I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
