broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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