your parents love me but you hate me
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
