Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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