i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
