After last night, I could never be a politician.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
