My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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