Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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