First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
