she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
