Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize