So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
