I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize
