I'll bet she douches with gravy.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
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