it's too hot outside to masturbate.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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