I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize