is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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