Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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