I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
