When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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