You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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