I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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