O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
