its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I wish they made helmets for livers.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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