we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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