Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
