Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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