Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
