i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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