Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
