apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
